Biblelicious

Genesis Chapters 29 & 30

Yes, I know, it’s been a while, but cut me some slack, yo! Biblelicious has been out getting her little lesbian heart broken, and although that didn’t take too very long, it’s taken a while to get my humor back on…so, don’t get you hopes up too high about this one, it may be a dud.

Jacob and Leah and Rachel and Leah’s maid and Rachael’s maid, now, here’s a story you can sink your teeth into! A baby making contest between two sisters married to the same guy. You should have seen the fundamentalist commentary try and weasel their way around this one. It was not unlike Pat Robertson endorsing Giuliani for president, while overlooking his views on gay rights, abortion and gun control, oh and his odd but always amusing penchant for cross-dressing.

Speaking of, you’d think the press would make a little more of that than they have. I mean, if Hillary Clinton had a thing for going out in drag, do you not think that would be on the news, somewhere, everyday from now until, well, until we’re all dead or something. I mean really, how many times in the last week have you seen some early ninety’s footage of Monica Lewinsky?

Sorry, just couldn’t bear to put up one of those old tired ML pictures, so how about one of Bill and Hilary when they were young hippies? I know I should make some “he didn’t inhale” joke here, but I’m just not up to it.

There I go, totally off message, how’d I get from Leah and Rachel to Monica, to Bill and Hilary with really, really bad hair? Cripes, good thing I’m not running for anything. You guys better go read the chapters and I’ll get with my advisors on today’s talking points.

OK, good, everyone up to speed?

First off, what’s with all this mistaken identity business? Jacob pretends to be Esau, now Leah gets all dressed up as Rachel. I’m not buying it. I never bought it in those Shakespeare comedies and I’m not buying it here. You can’t tell me that when Jacob got behind closed doors with his new wife, he didn’t notice it wasn’t the girl he was expecting?

Creationist boy explains it away thusly:

Sounds like Creationist Boy is saying he jumped her bones so quick he didn’t get a good look at her. Now, I don’t know about you, but has creationist boy ever seen two sisters? Alike sort of, yes, but not so much that a guy, who BTY, is supposed to be madly in love with one sister, so much so that he works for seven years, FOR FREE, just to marry her, is not going to notice it’s the sister giving it up to him in the newlywed suite. I mean, really. Biblelicious has jumped in bed with her fair share of girls, in the dark and a little drunk, and not once did I make that much of a mistake, least I don’t think so.

Call me crazy, I’m just not seeing that it happened quite like that. More like, after seven years, he gets there, in the nuptial chamber and in walks, the woman he married, oops, it’s the sister, but he married her and so he says, “WTF?” “Oh well, too late to turn back now. I best get busy with the one I’m with. I’ll take things up with the lying bastard father in the morning. Right now, I’ve been waiting for seven years to get a little, I best get me some.” Although, I doubt Jacob was chaste those seven years, plenty of servant girls who’s job is was to give happy endings to poor unmarried slumps.

You know, Biblelicious’s nieces are named Leah and Rachel. You’ve got to wonder if Biblelicious’s sister looked the story up before she named that second one.

Here’s what creationist boy had to say about Jacob and the two wives:

Then the baby making starts, Leah starts popping them out while Rachael, even though she’s getting most of Jacobs good lovin’ can’t seem to squeeze out not one little ankle biter. So, she does the next best thing, tells her husband to sleep with the maid. Now, remember, we’ve seen this one before, Sarah and Abraham and Hagar and that pesky Ishmael, a troublesome arrangement, at best. So, maybe we score one for Creationist Boy, but then again, he’s probably never seen Big Love, not that I’ve actually seen either, but I hear tell it puts a nice happy modern face on polygamy.

And, anyway, if this were a novel, or any book was coherent or sensible, we would remember that Ishmael debacle and be prepared for something similar to happen here. Not so, Rachel’s girl pops out, how many, like two? Three? I don’t remember exactly and then Leah thinks “That’s a pretty good idea, Jacob, come over here and put it in my maid and make more babies.”

You’ve got to wonder what Jacob was thinking. And, holy crap, you’d think he’d of gotten tired after awhile. But no, he keeps boinking all four of them and they keep poppin’ out the pups until there are thirteen boys and one girl. And really, think about it, fourteen babies? That would make me never ever want to have sex ever again. But then, I’m sort of a lesbian, so sex doesn’t really bring babies much to mind. And, I’m guessing Jacob wasn’t getting up for the three am feedings, so he probably wasn’t too bothered.

Babies, babies. 14 of them. Man oh man, what yowling mass of infant humanity.

The more coherent commentary, not creationist boy, note that these 13 boys represent the thirteen tribes of Israel. So, if you are into the more metaphorical reading, it makes a little more sense, but then again, Leah and Rachel could have popped out thirteen between them, plenty of women have had thirteen all on their own, but it’s hard on a girl, you know. Tends to kill you after, oh I don’t know, eight or so. That is, before modern medicine and all. Now, heck, thirteen is nothing, just ask Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar (Yes, I just said Jim Bob) they’ve got 17. And, bonus, they are from Biblelicious’s home town, or right outside of it. I have to admit, I’m a little obsessed with these folks and their gazillion kids and Pentecostalism faith and no debt. Yes, no debt. A 7000 square foot house and no debt. Kind of makes me wonder if I’m wrong, but then again, kinda makes me wonder how many of the 17 will be preachers and how many of them will spend the vast majority of their adulthood in therapy. I have to say, the discovery channel documentaries are riveting, at least if you are me. And little ol’ Michelle Duggar didn’t need her man to sleep with the maid, how come there’s no gospel about her?