Biblelicious

Genesis Chapter 31
OK, well, not quite two years, but a year, eleven months, two ovaries and twenty pounds, didn’t have quite the same ring.

The long and the short of it is, I’ve been away. On a unexpected little trip. And I never even had to leave the farm! No, I haven’t been to Oz in a dream (and you were there, and you were there), nor did a drop a lot of acid, nor did I even smoke a lot of dope.

But, I did do lot, lot, lot of drugs. Some fun, some not so fun. I took took a little trip over to the isle of misfit ovaries Ovarian cancer, that is.

Damn, how many mixed pop culture references did I think I need in the first two paragraphs?

No worries though, I’m all good now, fixed up, shiny new. No girl parts left to bother me much.

I say all this not to elicit an “I’m soooo sorry” furrow of the brow that you (if you don’t already know all of this) are undoubtedly wearing right now.

I say it, firstly, to let you know I might have a little different take on the bible these days. I may not, but then again I may. I seem to have a little different take on life, I’m not quite sure what, but it’s different. So, it would just kinda follow that what spews out of me here may be a bit different too.

But then again, maybe not.

And secondly I say all this, to explain away such a long absence. I haven’t been “sick” this whole time, but my life has been in quite a twirl and it’s taken awhile to get back around here.

And lastly, that I missed my blog while I was gone, and I’m glad to be back at it.

Oh, and, P. S.ly, thanks to Cindy S., for the email asking me to start the blog again.

Enough of that, you didn’t come here to hear me blather on about girlie-bits, on with the biblie-bits.

So, just to recap, the world got made, Adam & Eve sinned, Cain killed Abel, everyone but Noah and his family died in the flood, Noah’s daughter’s got him drunk and slept with him (for the good of all mankind), Sodom & Gomorrah got smited like crazy, we met Abraham and Sarah, Jacob and Esau, oh, hell, I don’t remember all of it…

Anyway, when last we left our crazy kids, Leah & Rachel had a pile of babies and Jacob was getting rich off his father-in-law, Laban’s (I swear I can’t read that without thinking labia) cattle.

Jacob worked for Laban as a general, all around cow/sheep/goat herder sort of guy. For this work, Laban gave Jacob, first, his daughters (mmmm, bible dowry) and then parts of the heard.
But only the imperfect parts.

Sometimes Jacob got the striped cattle, but when there seemed to be lots of striped guys, then Laban changed it to the speckled ones, and then back again.

Seemed to Laban whichever ones he gave to Jacob, there were lots of them. Jacob chalked this up to God’s favor, which I could get on board with in the sense that God made genetics and if you put a bunch of striped cattle together and they breed you are gonna get more stripes than solids.

Jacob’s advantage – Laban never had the benefit of that 7th grade fruit fly experiment we all did.

Remember? where you cross-bread for different eye color or wing size or something. Whatever!

The long and the sort of it: Jacob was getting rich, and Laban was getting pissed. Oh, did I just bust a rhyme?

Finally, when things were a little beyond uncomfortable round the old Laban place, God told Jacob it was time to take his wives, his gazillion kids, all his speckley, stripy cattle and head back home to the land of his father’s.

I like the understatement of the text.

Chapter 31:2
“And Jacob noticed that Laban’s attitude toward him was not what it had been.”

How many times has that happened to you? You are hanging out and you think, “Damn, So-and-So seems a little stand off-ish. Wonder what’s up with that?”

Jacob knows it’s time to hit the road, so he splits without telling Laban.

Now here’s the part of the story I love. Before they go, Rachel sneaks into her father’s house, steals all the household gods and stashes them in her camel saddle. There’s something totally sweet and sad about that.

You’ve got to wonder why she did it. Maybe her husband’s god is not her god. Maybe she’s afraid of the unknown, leaving her home and everything she’s ever known to go to the land of Canaan. Way far away.

When Laban comes looking for his missing idols, Leah plays the period card.

Classic.

“Oh Daddy, I don’t know anything about any silly missing gods. But, I’ve got my period, and I”m all crampie, so I’m just gonna sit here on top of my camel saddle while you look around.”

You know, Leah might even be pissed at her Dad for treating her husband so badly he feels like he needs to pack up his whole kit and caboodle and two wives and a million kids and get out of dodge while the gettin’ is still good.

Or maybe she’s still a little pissed about the whole wedding night switch-a-roo business. Who knows?

What I do know is that I find the idea of household gods, tucked away, packed for safe travel to a new and unknown home, kinda comforting.

(Goat to the left, apropos of nothing.)

Wish I had some gods in my camel saddle.
Wish I had a camel saddle.

Camel Saddle. Does that sound dirty, or is it just me?

So, I think that’s it. I hope it was worth the wait. It won’t be two years until the next one.
Thanks for reading.